Riding home from church as a child was always a colorful experience. The morning had been full of activity: singing songs, playing games, and Bible stories on the flannel-type storyboard complete with cutouts of Jesus and his disciples. There was a lot of stimulation and I needed some way to release all these experiences pent up inside. So what would I do? On the twenty-minute drive home from church, I would dominate the conversation, recounting every detail of the morning. My brother, eight years older and interested in things other than a six-year-old’s rendition of Jonah and the Whale, would get frustrated and complain saying, “Mom, Matthew just won’t stop talking!”

I admit it. I like to talk.

If anyone could have a sense of accomplishment it would have been me. Already in my mid-twenties, I was the associate pastor of a small church plant. I had the opportunity to share the pulpit with the senior pastor, lead small groups, and coordinate outreaches to the community. I had a laminated card certifying my position and a monthly stipend for my car. I had crossed the gap between laymen and clergy. I was one of the professionals. Young, yes, but full of zeal and on the track towards someday being the pastor of my very own church.

Is There Something More?

“Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?” – Morpheus, The Matrix

However, there was something gnawing at my foundation, like a “splinter in my mind” or a popcorn kernel stuck between my teeth. It was going no where. No matter how hard I tried to be dedicated and involved in the church, there was something inside of me that would not be ignored. My wife and I would go for walks through the forest and share our hearts with one another. So many times on those walks we’d end up looking at each other and, with an aching and unfulfilled desire in our hearts, saying, “Isn’t there something more?”

The church provided plenty of activities to keep us busy.  However, the longing was for more than programs, meetings, and recognition.  We craved the same life that believers shared with one another in the Book of Acts.  We wanted to see unbelievers get saved and lives transformed.  The Christian life had to be more than what we were experiencing.  Jesus died for so much more than repetitious, organized meetings and relationships that seemed superficial and forced.

Please don’t misunderstand me here.  We love the people in that congregation.  They were well-meaning and it wasn’t that we had no fellowship at all.  However, we became aware that the structure we were part of did not lend to the depth of relationship we saw modeled in the New Testament– the depth that we yearned for.

Sharing Each Other’s Burdens

Paul told the believers in Galatia, “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).  Realistically, how can you share each other’s burdens when your church gatherings have a predetermined agenda?  How can you foster a deep relationship with someone during the greeting time?  How can you encounter God with others in a personal and natural way during the week when your calendar is already full with church events?  I realize that I’m speaking in extremes, but it’s in order to make a point.

Fellowship with believers should have depth to it.  It takes time, energy, and tears to manifest this type of community.   That’s why the most common description for the people of God in the New Testament is a family.  We are to be a family, sharing mutual love and trust with one another.  However,  I’m not going to share my struggles with someone that I cannot trust; and trust is not fostered in a ten-minute coffee break before a service.

The Beginning of the End

All these thoughts were swirling around within.  Countless times we went to Father, asking for wisdom and clarity.  I had always been told in Bible College that you need to press through discontentment in ministry. It sounded like a good principle back then,  but now I was in the thick of the struggle and very much struggling to maintain my composure.

Again, we went to Father and asked for closure. We wanted to resolve this unsettled issue and get back to the “work of the ministry.” However, the splinter remained. We both sensed that a transition was on the horizon, but Father only gave us enough insight to keep us in a place of dependence on Him (with a healthy dose of discomfort).

It was during that time that I came across a book entitled, Pagan Christianity?, by Frank Viola and George Barna.  In it, they examine the most common church traits of Christianity today and trace them back to their origins.  As I read through the book, I was astonished at how little of modern-day Christianity is scripturally-based and modeled on the 1st century New Testament church.  That book was a milestone for me, which I fondly refer to as, “The Beginning of the End.”

Stay tuned for more of the story!  Still to come:

• Does the modern-day pastor exist in the New Testament?
• What about spiritual authority and the “spiritual covering” movement?
• How did the early church gather and how is it different from today?
• How to leave your church without “throwing spears”
• How to know when it’s the right time to leave?
• How to walk with integry when leaving the institutional church?

Continue to Part 2: “Down the Rabbit’s Hole”