Why I Left the Institutional Church – Part 2
I must confess my love for movies–high-quality ones that make you think. When The Matrix came out in the theaters, I was in awe. The special effects were cutting edge for its time and the plot was enveloping. In the movie, Keanu Reaves plays Thomas A. Anderson, a computer programmer by day and elusive computer hacker by night. Operating under the online alias of “Neo,” Mr. Anderson is in the pursuit of the “The Matrix,” a science-fiction-like conspiracy theory. He’s convinced that it’s out there. He just hasn’t found it yet.
Through a series of extraordinary events, Neo finds himself at the top of an abandoned building with a mysterious man named Morpheus. He offers the inquisitive young man the opportunity to know the truth. However, the truth comes at a significant price. Here is the transcript of the offer Morpheus made to Neo:
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back…You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Neo pauses for an instant, then reaches for the red pill. He swallows it down with a glass of water, and looks at Morpheus.
Morpheus: Remember, all I’m offering you is the truth: nothing more.
I felt a little like Neo when I opened up Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola and George Barna. Needless to say, I took the red pill and began my journey down the rabbit hole.
Down the Rabbit Hole
The first thing I discovered through my reading was that the early Christians functioned in ways that were radically different from what is commonly referred to as “church” today. For the first 300 years, life in Christ was a corporate reality that came naturally and flowed out of the home, embracing family and relationships. Believers met in each other’s homes, sharing their experiences over a meal. There were no church buildings or meeting halls. From the very beginning, Christian community was expressed in the most simple and natural of places—the home.
When they gathered, there was no predetermined order of service. They saw themselves as a family. As such, the gatherings were unscripted and spontaneous. When each person arrived, they understood that it was not only their right, but also their responsibility to contribute to the gathering. We see this explained in 1 Corinthians 14:26: “When you assemble, each one has a psalm, has a teaching, has a revelation, has a tongue, has an interpretation.” In that time, every person was a minister in the practical sense of the word. Their gatherings had active participants, not passive spectators.
Church structure also looked different. In today’s “church” model, the pastor presides over the people of God. He is the one who blesses civic events, marries the young, buries the old, represents the group to the outside world, and exercises spiritual authority over them. Essentially, the modern-day pastor is the functioning “head” of the church. This concept would have been foreign to the early Christians.
For the first three centuries, there is no evidence of a hierarchical, top-down, chain-of-command. They understood that the Body of Christ has only one “head,” which is Christ Jesus Himself. Therefore, He occupied much more than an honorific role in church leadership. He was the Source of all guidance and direction. Each member of the Body had direct access to the Head. Therefore, questions such as “Who is your spiritual authority?” or “Who is your covering?” would be simple for the ancient believers. Without question, they would say, “That’s easy. It’s Jesus Christ.”
Shocking Implications
Looking at the difference between the early Church and today’s institutionalized expression made me feel sorrowful. In the early days, each believer was given opportunity to express their revelation of Christ in the gatherings. Songs, hymns, spiritual songs, teachings, revelations, tongues, interpretations–a beautiful tapestry was woven in the simplicity of their fellowship. Each member, freely functioning under the headship of Christ, expressed His beauty and presence in a remarkable way.
In contrast, the format of institutional church services today seem to inhibit the expression of non-”professional” people of God. Although my wife and I were given great freedom to express our gifts, it seemed like the majority of people in the congregation were passive observers. Countless Sundays went by where the traditional structure kept them from expressing their revelation of Jesus. I think back to the times when I felt that I had nothing to preach on a certain Sunday morning. Many times, I would struggle to not enter a place of striving just to produce something acceptable to give the people. It was, of course, my “responsibility” to feed them–or so I had been taught. Thinking back, I am convinced that there were times when God would have desired to reveal Himself through those silent saints who lacked the freedom to share their revelation of Christ.
Who is to blame for this tragic imprisonment of the people of God? That’s a difficult question to answer and it’s not my responsibility to judge that case. Most professional ministers I have met have an authentic love for the people of God and want the people in their congregation to grow up into maturity. I know that is true for the leaders of the church I was part of–they are authentic and well-intentioned.
Perhaps the only statement that can be made about this issue is that we are a product of the paradigm we’ve been raised in. When all you know of “church” is filtered through the tradition of the previous generation, the way it’s supposedly “always been,” it’s difficult to consider something else.
As my wife and I considered the implications of the way the institution operates, for conscience sake, we decided that we could no longer be a part of it. While God may not be calling every pastor to leave their role at this time, there was no question as to what our reponse should be.
Powerless and Vulnerable
Over the next few days, we begged the Father for wisdom. Our hearts were grieved as we considered the possibility of leaving. Relationships would be tested in the fire of obedience. There was much opportunity to misunderstood. Feelings would likely be hurt though we desperately wanted it to not be so. In the wisdom of God, we had been led into a situation that we had absolutely no control over. We found ourselves powerless and vulnerable.
We called the senior pastors and asked if they could come over for coffee on Saturday. They cheerfully agreed. having no idea what was to come. “Can we bring anything?” they asked. “A ton of grace and some patience,” I thought to myself. With a mixture of resolve and anxiety, I looked into my wife’s beautiful emerald eyes. They were calming and made me momentarily forget about the meeting. “Can we fast forward a few months?” my wife asked with a smile. “Sadly, no, Elisa. We’re gonna’ have to walk through this valley together.”
I’m enjoying hearing this take on things…oh my, what happens next!
You’re just going to have to wait! There will be at least 3-4 more installments of the series.
Matt,
Thanks for the honesty. It sounds like the beginning of the end for you resulted in a much more abrupt end to your IC experience than our own experience. One thing I’ve noticed when dialoguing about the early church is that we are talking about a New Testament church, and not necessarily the church up to Constantine. I say this because many of the “early church ‘fathers’” such as Clement of Rome, Ignatius, and Justin Martyr describe in their letters matters concerning bishops, deacons, presbyters, and ‘presidents’. Along with this, Justin Martyr describes how all the believers from the country and city should meet on Sundays at a common place for a public reading of scripture, an exhortation by the “president,” prayers and then communion. (www.ccel.org – Justin Martyr: Chapter LXVII.—Weekly worship of the Christians)
I don’t share these to say that we are to do exactly as they do, but so that we recognize that following Christ was institutionalized almost from the beginning. Certainly we read in the New Testament that early followers met in homes and Paul and others went from “house to house,” but it appears to have shifted, when the local culture allowed, to a more institutional format even by the early 100′s. I have not read Pagan Christianity yet (it was checked out already) but hope to do so soon. Maybe they have something to say on this topic.
I sense that God is moving people away from “church as usual” so that we can be like yeast ~ working our all the way through the dough (culture/world) through relationships. Is it as easy as going to church one day a week for an hour (or two in our case)? No – it is much harder.
It is much scarier to take the red pill, but we already know what we’ve experienced and it’s left us wanting more.
Looking forward to your next installment . . .
It’s scarier to take the red pill. That’s for sure!
I think there’s a habit within our human nature to want to define and systematize things. It’s easier to follow a list of rules than it is to live in simple relationship with one another.
I am thankful for our church history. There is a great deal of insight we gain from understanding the past. What’s that saying? “Those who don’t understand the past are doomed to repeat it.” Something like that.
I am glad you have the courage to follow Jesus. He will never lead you astray. We are led astray according to James when we follow our own lusts (desires) but Jesus said to those who would desire to be with Him … “Follow Me!”
As a teenager I received Jesus as my Savior, joined the IC, began to fail in my walk immediately because I was given the understanding from the Pastor “That now that you are a Christian, you ‘have to live for Jesus’”. Then he went on to elaborate what that meant. You must be in Church every time the door is open or as often as possible, you must tithe and give offerings. You must witness as much as possible, keep the commandments and many other such rules. I was never told that I needed to follow Jesus although some of those things are good to do.
So I began to try to keep all the rules. I lived in a town of about 20 thousand and decided to visit as many homes as I could and invite people to church and to Christ, although nobody ever taught me how to do any of that, but my results were very small (one family) started coming to Church. I covered a large part of my community and I was only 15 years old at the time. Not many people wanted to listen to some kid.
I handed out tracts and tried to talk to people about Jesus but I was alone and I didn’t exactly know how to answer people’s responses. I began to get discouraged, and then fell into sin. Then I said to myself and to God, “I don’t know how to live for Jesus and I don’t see anybody else living for You. Every time I want to keep the commandments and do all the Church rules I find myself breaking them.”
“I don’t pray enough, go to Church enough, witness enough, give enough, do enough, read the Bible enough, etc. etc. etc. So I’m just not going to try any more and maybe when I grow up I’ll come back to You again when I’m more grown up and can know ‘How to Live for Christ’.” So I walked away from the Lord. But in my heart I didn’t want to walk away, I was so discouraged I just didn’t know what else to do.
Also I had confided something personal to the Pastor and I guess he figured it was his duty to tell my grandmother, with whom I was staying, about it because when I got home from talking with him I was greeted with it at the front door. I was so humiliated and ever since then I have never really opened up to anybody, Pastor, friend or anyone about anything as personal as would be humiliating.
Many years later (17 yrs) the Lord came to me and asked some questions. He said, “Well, how are you doing? Are you a VIP, someone real high up in this world?”
My response was, “No, but I’m not unimportant.”
“Are you someone wealthy?”
“No, but I’m not poor either.”
“Are you highly successful in this world?”
“No, but I’m not unsuccessful.”
“That’s right, He said, You’re neither hot or cold, up or down, in or out, you’re just kinda NOTHING!”
I felt like I was the lowest thing on earth, that I would have to stand on a ladder to reach up just to touch bottom. I was devastated.
Then, Jesus said to me, “Do you want to BE somebody?”
My humble response was, “Yes.”
“In Me you ARE somebody! “Do you want to be successful?”
“Yes.”
“In Me there is no limit to the success you can have. Do you like adventure?”
“Oh Yes, I love adventure.”
“Follow Me, and I will give you more than you can handle.”
Boy that sounded good to me but I hesitated and I said, “But I don’t know how to live for you. You know how many times over these years I have tried to come back to you and have failed and failed and failed. I just don’t know how to ‘live for Christ’ like my first Pastor had told me I must do.”
He said, “Follow Me.”
But I protested again, “but I’ve tried and tried to live for you and I fail every time, I just don’t know how to ‘live for Christ.’” This is not to mean that I didn’t want to follow Him and “live for Him”. I wanted to with all my heart; I was just tired of failure.
Again He said to me, “Follow Me”.
Finally, I thought I would make a deal with Him and I said, “If you’ll save my wife I will try my hardest to ‘live for You.’ I’ll try harder to pray more, read my Bible more, keep the Ten Commandments more, go to Church more, witness more …etc.”
Then He left.
A few days or weeks later, I came home from work and as soon as I walked into the house I knew my wife was saved before she ever said a word to me about what happened that day. Then she told me the story about how she had been secretly listening to the same Christian TV programs I had been listening to and came under conviction, got on her knees and prayed and the Lord had saved her that very afternoon.
Then the Lord said to me as He seemingly tapped me on my right shoulder, “Now, how about our deal?”
My response was, “We’ll see if this is real.”
Soon I realized I didn’t want to be a stumbling block to her so I said to her that we needed to go to church. She agreed. So we set out to find a church on a Sunday morning and eventually arrived at a “cute little pink church” (in her words) that we had seen driving around a few days earlier.
After a few weeks of attending church I still hadn’t met my part of the deal I had made with the Lord. He would keep bugging me about it saying, “How about our deal”, while tapping on my right shoulder and I would keep putting Him off with one reason or another. My constant refrain was, “But I just don’t know how to live for you.”
Finally, one Wednesday night at church the Pastor gave a prolonged invitation to which I finally yielded and that night I came back to the Lord promising that I would grit my teeth and try my hardest keep the golden rule and the Ten Commandments and all the “church” commandments and pray everyday and read my Bible everyday to “live for Christ”. So I started on my journey again with the Lord.
I seriously began to pray everyday and read my Bible everyday. Soon I became hungry for the Word and I saw myself as a dying man stumbling out of the desert to an oasis and I couldn’t get enough of the Word. I was starving for the Word. I was thirsty for the Word. Got to where I was reading it day and night. I put down the newspaper. Turned off the TV and just didn’t have any desire for those things because I was so hungry for the Word of God.
I spent time every day praying. I went into my bedroom every evening as I had promised the Lord to do and would pray whatever amount of prayer I could and determined if I couldn’t pray more that … that was it. I refused to be condemned if I couldn’t pray for hours like those great heroes of prayer that I was told had prayed.
The first week it felt like my prayers weren’t getting past the ceiling but … I knew something about God … He was Omniscient, Omnipresent and Omnipotent and that He couldn’t help but hear me because He knows all things and so, whether or not I felt like He heard me didn’t matter … I KNEW HE HEARD ME! And that kept me going for the first week when I was filled with feelings of wretchedness and unworthiness, because having once known the Lord, I had deliberately turned my back on Him and walked away. I was worse than the heathen who had never heard of the Lord.
Finally, I worked up the courage to dare to ask Him for the “Joy of my Salvation” to be restored to me as I had once known when I first got saved.
As soon as I got the words out of my mouth, I was filled to overflowing with the same joy I had once on the day when the Lord had taken away all my sins. It was the same joy that made me feel as though I were walking on air above the ground. I felt so light it seemed as though I was walking with my feet off the floor, I felt so light. I was filled with laughter. It was glorious.
About a month or so after this I was filled with the Holy Spirit and with many gifts including tongues for which I am not ashamed.
But the Lord was just beginning with me. I still didn’t know “how to live for Jesus” and as I continued day after day with the Lord I could see that I wasn’t fulfilling all those commandments and keeping the golden rule or praying more that I was or …
It was that same old thing that had kept me in bondage for years.
One night while praying with my face to the floor in my bedroom that I was telling the Lord, “I just don’t know how to live for You. Tell me how to live for You … tell me.”
Soon the Lord spoke to me and I was so dumb it took me some time to get it. He answered and said to me, “You can’t live My life for Me.”
My response was, “What? I thought I was supposed to live for you.”
He said, “You can’t live My life for Me,”
“What???”
Then He said, “Can any man live your life for you?”
“What?!?”
“You have to live your own life nobody can live your life for you. So you can’t live My life for Me.”
“So what am I supposed to do??”
“When My Holy Spirit which I have placed within you prompts you to do this or not do that, or He prompts you to go here or there or not go here or there, or He tells you to say this or that or not to say this or that and you do these things then it’s not you trying to live My life for Me but … ME LIVING MY LIFE IN YOU!!!”
I was in utter amazement. No one had ever told me that. I exclaimed to the Lord, “Well, if I have somebody inside me telling me what to do, I can do that … just do what ever You tell me to do.”
Then I understood Galatians 2:20 which had never really been explained to me before. Paul says it very clearly, “I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.”
When Jesus said to me, “Follow Me”, He was in reality telling me that if I would follow His leading and His directions He by His Holy Spirit which was in me would say to me go here or go there, or don’t go here or don’t go there. Say this or don’t say that or do this or don’t do that and that as I followed the promptings and leading of His Holy Spirit that He would be living His life in me … NOT me trying to live for Christ!
I have never known such liberty and joy since that understanding was given to me of the Lord. He has radically changed my life and made me truly a new creation in Him. My life has never been the same again.
He has given me wonderful adventures that are glorious. I have seen Him heal the sick, and cast out devils and I love when He leads me on a mission or a journey somewhere speaks to me that I will be speaking in some Church today that I just happened to pass by and when I walk in the Pastor says are you here to speak to us? And I say that why I’m here.
Sometimes He may tell me to go to a certain street corner to speak to a certain someone that He will point out to. Sometimes He may tell me to go to a certain city or town and indicate to me that I will meet someone that I am to minister to. He might ask me to give them some money or tell them about God’s love for them or minister to them in some way.
I never get enough of adventures with Jesus. And in all these, as long as I am obedient in all that He asks me to do, He is living His Life through me.
I love it!! And I’m always asking Him for more! And He delights to give me the desires of my heart.
It’s not hard to “live for Jesus” as long as I am not trying to do His Living for Him. I just follow wherever He leads, then He gets to do His living in and through me.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise God for ever more. Thank Jesus for sending Your Holy Spirit that we can know how to walk with You!
Bless you,
Fredd
That’s not new information for me anyhow….but how do you transform all the people of God into that open sweet and communicative bunch that meet in the upper room???
I’ve been disappointed with every church I’ve ever been to (quite a few ranging from catholic to meeting in a Theater in Singapore).
I like this current church because I felt that the people really love and care about each other for once that’s the most important thing I think anyway…
Granted, you’re not going to find great spiritual intellectual types there just real ordinary people working hard, struggling in their finances….you’ll find real brokenness if you peer beneath the surface in most people. I’m sorry that WE were the ones that spurred you on in this quest because of all the dissatisfaction you felt working with the spiritually muted.
Its true I saw it coming on you guys and wasn’t surprised when it happened. I’m sorry that you felt that way… all the shallow conversations, blank stares, nothing to say when asked what God is doing in your lives… Including me, I stopped actively seeking God and got caught up in life of survival and getting on my feet and such…
Sigh…blame it on the system.
One book you might like, although it is sometimes too wordy and ethereal for me is “Reforming Theological Anthropology (After the Philosophical Turn to Relationality)” by F. Leron Shults. He was a professor at Bethel Seminary for several years.
Really I have deep affection to everyone in THAT church you mention and feel high regard for it as well as a desire to defend the Church in whatever form or shape she be(you would agree with that- the Raggedy Ann she is now to the BRILLIANT bride at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.)
I dare mention it might even be erroneous to stop meeting in the form of more then two couples having an intimate chat about God. Where is it in the Bible? “Do not forsake the assembly as some are prone to do?”
Listen, I really do love you two and have high regard for you as well so its not personal so I hope you don’t mind objection here to what your saying here. But I also feel that you are Misrepresenting this church to your readers all things being fair.
I’m not insulting you or anyone at this church either by any comments I make.
But Keep reading, seeking and working on it….
Very interesting thoughts, Matthew. I do have to bring up something though. There is a reason why the early Christians met in homes. Yes it was about families, but it was also about the fact that they were being persecuted, so they had to hide. If you forget, they created signs for followers to know where the meeting places were at.
Being a Christian is about being with believers and being like a family. However, it is good to join together for corporate worship and be with other believers.
Bobby,
Meeting in homes did provide the Christians with a certain level of anonymity. However, in the first few chapters of Acts, before persecution broke out in Jerusalem, the believers experienced favor among all the people (Acts 2:47). It was during this time that they began meeting in each other’s homes. My point is that the location of meeting was not determined by their external circumstances (i.e. persecution). Meeting in homes was a natural and organic way to interact with one another. It was in the homes that corporate worship took place.
Many people read this verse through the 21st century paradigm of church. Since the majority of Christians today meet in special religious buildings we falsely read into the passage something that is not there. In all Scripture reading, it’s important to not inject our own ideas into the interpretation of a passage.
In closing, let me make one last remark. If you attend an institutional church and feel the Lord having you stay there – excellent. I am not arguing for everyone to desert his/her congregation. Instead, each believer should seriously ask the Lord whether the place they are in is the best environment for them to carry out the “one anothers” of the New Testament. For me, the answer was found outside the structure. To others, the answer may be different.
Old wine in the old wineskins; new wine in the new wineskins so that both may be preserved.”
God bless you, brother, as you follow after Jesus!
Oh, how I am glad to find this blog.
I have been blogging about this through my hurts and my recent reading of Frank Viola’s “Reimagining Church”. I am seeking God’s will to be done. Yes, I to have had a taste of the Red Pill, and not too many church folks or pastoral staff seem to know the taste. It’s quite sad, but I must surrender it to God and seek His will for mine and my daughters spiritual survival. Oh, how I wish the church would wake up!!! I’ll be sure to add you to my blogroll. God Bless!
Robin,
Thanks so much for the comment! I would be lying if I said the red pill was easy to swallow. It’s a tough sell and only the Holy Spirit can really bring about the convincing. That’s how we made the change. It was God working in the background, preparing our hearts for the message of liberty.
Struggling with hurt and offense can be a difficult road to walk. I would recommend Allen Hood’s “Growing through Mistreatment” message. It’s available free on my website. To the issue of hurt, I’ll draw on Frank Viola’s sagely advice. It’s been beneficial to me. He says that if you’re struggling in this area, meet with one or two people, pour out your heart and emotions, and then let it die. By harboring offense it only becomes a poison to our own souls and to the “ekklesia.” We all would be in a better off place if we sought to quickly move past our hurts and onto the ultimate purpose on Father’s heart.
Thank you so much for your comments. I look forward to talking more on this site!
hey Matthew, thanks for writing about this—it really helps me understand where you guys are at. Can’t wait till you have time to write the next part!
A little off topic, but it was really sweet how you refer to Lisita’s eyes as emerald….:)